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It's ALIVE
Peace be with your taint

Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.

One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"

Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

que pasa?

An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me"
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce" she says.
"Then, came home, couldn't get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm."
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
"The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce,"
"Now here I am, in excruiating pain, about to die, useless and you're still with me."
"Yes Bruce."
"Shirl."
"Yes, Bruce?"
"You're bloody bad luck"

A Kiwi walks into the local unemployment office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on welfare, I'd really rather have a job."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The Kiwi says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are travelling by train to a rugby game. At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch with bewilderment as the three Aussiesbuy only a single ticket between them.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Kiwi.

"Watch and you’ll see", answers the Aussie.

They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please". The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever plan. So after the game, the Kiwis decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money, (being clever with money and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don’t buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel ‘without’ a ticket?" asks one perplexed Kiwi. "Watch and you’ll see", answers a Aussie. When they board the train, the three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and the Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Kiwis are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets please"!!!!!

A lion in the zoo sitting there licking it's hole.
A visitor says, "He doesn't look very vicious to me."
"Well he is." Says the zoo keeper, "he just grabbed a Kiwi, pulled him through the fence and ate him all up."
"Is that right?" says the visitor, "he seems pretty casual, why is he licking his arse?"
The zoo keeper replies, "He's trying to get the horrible taste out of his mouth."

A married couple sitting in a restaurant enjoying their dinner, halfway through the main course the man excuses himself and goes to the toilet. The woman sits there alone and decides to touch up her lipstick. The man on the next table leans over and says to the woman, “you have amazing breasts, I want to tweak them and pinch your nipples until they bleed!”

That is disgusting, you pervert, wait until my husband gets back, he will punch you in the mouth for talking to me like that.

The man interjected, I have not finished, after I have made your nipples bleed I will rip your knickers off with my teeth and stick my tongue up your arse!

Oh, you fucking sick bastard, when my husband gets back he will kick your arse for saying these things to me…

Wait, I have not finished, after making your nipples bleed and after sticking my thumb up your arse I will fill up your cunt with beer, insert a straw and drink it all; what do say to that?

You are going to die when my husband gets back, he will fucking snap your neck you dirty perverted wanker…

A couple of minutes later, the husband returns and can see his wife is clearly upset.

What is wrong darling? asks her husband.

Well, that nasty man next door said some terrible things to me, he said he wanted to tweak and twist my nipples until they bleed!

The husband was outraged, he took off his suit jacket and before he could do anything else his wife said, ‘that is not all, he also said he would then stick his thumb up my arse!’

The husband now feeling really angry rolled up his sleeves and was about to beat the man up when his wife stood and said, ‘that is not all, he then said he would fill up my cunt with beer, stick a straw in and drink every last drop!’

The husband rolled his sleeves back down, put on his suit jacket and sat quietly at the table.

After a few seconds the woman turned to her husband and said, ‘why are you not beating the shit out of that dirty, perverted wanker who said those terrible things to me?’

‘Well, to be honest, I don’t wanna fight a man who drinks that much beer!’